November Tales: Give a Grumpy Old Man the Internet

Old Man Martin sat hunched over his internet radio set up in the damp basement of the house he shared with his one-eyed wife named Martha. Every night at 9pm he’d log into the old Gateway that used to be his son’s, wait for it to rev up and load “the windows” as he called it, and log into to his radio program.

He called his site, “Intelligent American”. He did this as a statement on what he believed was the information age. Outraged and strangely constipated by the ability that every American’s first amendment rights were being used at full throttle, with such easy access, and believed with little accountability, he started his own show. As he told Martha, “Every little piss ant with an opinion is yelling to be heard whether or not they know what they are talking about! Well I’ll tell you, I’m an old ant with a giant bladder. We’ll see who can piss more!”

He scratched his dry bristled face and cleared his throat. He clicked the button that made him live.

“Evening folks, this is Intelligent American with yours truly, Old Man Martin. This show is brought to you by the lovely folks at AOL because I still haven’t paid a damn penny for the internet ’cause they keep sending me free disks and its no damn wonder they had to lay off 75% of their workforce last year, the damn communist retards! And Paypal, because I’m sure as hell not going to give those yuppie geeks my bank information, otherwise I’d be charging you like a good capitalist. Tonight’s topic is Gluten: The White Man’s Vietnam.
Doesn’t make sense does it? Neither does wheat allergies!
Wheat, are you kidding me!
Wheat, the source of food for hundreds of years?
Wheat, the food peasants ate in the doldrums of the feudal old world?
Every time I turn on the TV programs I hear about some hippie who can’t eat a piece of bread because their nose runs! And I think to myself, ‘gee these hippies can’t not complain about something not being good for them. Plastic is bad! Oil is bad! Money is bad, but gimme a handful!’
I don’t eat bread, I hate the stuff so maybe I shouldn’t judge too quick. I’m a reasonable fella, I was in the war. I eat nothing but potatoes and cheesecake and I’m barely over 200lbs. I can walk stairs and chase the damn neighbor’s cat off my porch without dropping a sweat. Anyway, what do I know? Maybe the hippies are right. So I had Martha get me a loaf of the stuff. I ate it and goddamned if those pan-handling, nose-picking-save-for-collage-glue bastards were right- my nose ran.
So I ask you, what is wrong with wheat today! This didn’t happen when I was kid! My grandpops didn’t get damn nose constipated when he had a muffin, and I didn’t come down with autism when my mom made flap jacks! So why the hell now is everybody becoming allergic to wheat?!
I got two thoughts America, and because since everybody’s opinion matter’s now a day, you be the judge!
1) Wheat has changed. All that fancy monkeying around those scientists do with genetics have botched up a food source that has sustained humans through the time. I think its strange and I don’t trust food that’s been implanted with frog DNA, I don’t care how damn insect resistant it is! Humans don’t have such a good track record playing with other peoples toys, we tend to break stuff.
2) People have gotten weak! Maybe cures or counteracts nose-constipation due to wheat ingestion is good old fashioned hard work, and god knows those hippies don’t do shit and hell, I’m a retired vet. I’ll mow my lawn when I damn well please!
This has been Old Man Martin with Intelligent American.”


~ by ambur on November 2, 2010.

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